The first year after a miscarriage is particularly difficult for many women, and rightfully so!! You’re grieving, and that process is always a tough one. There are things you will hear, see, and remember that will absolutely crush you and the sorrow of losing your baby will come flooding in like a tidal wave.

The First Month:

1. Follow up doctor visits  – I usually have to have blood work done soon after a miscarriage to make sure everything is returning back to “normal.” When I go, I have to walk past the room where it was confirmed that my baby boy had died. And then there’s the smell of the doctor’s office. They all have their unique smell and it seems so very strong and overbearing after a loss. It always makes me nauseous and physically ill.

2. Seeing friends and family for the first time – It’s always a unique and unpredictable encounter with every single person. Some will smile and say hi, pretending like life is status quo for all. Others will hug you and give a word of encouragement. And still others will avoid me for a time and it will be awkward. No response is right or wrong and to be honest, they all will cause some hurt and pain, just in a different way. The status quo reaction hurts because it makes me feel like that person has already forgotten my baby. The hug and word of encouragement always makes me cry because I know this person is bearing my grief alongside me. And those that avoid me for a time, that hurts because being avoided by someone always hurts. My personal preference is for people to give me a hug and a simple “I’m sorry!”

3. Pregnant people will be EVERYWHERE – You probably haven’t even noticed any other pregnant women lately, but now it seems like they are stalking you. It’s the weirdest thing. They just suddenly stick out like a flashing neon sign. And when you see them, it will momentarily take your breath away, you’ll quickly calculate how pregnant you should be, and wonder what you would look like with a cute baby belly. Live in the moment. Remember your baby and the dreams you had, but don’t dwell here.

4. Social media – you gotta love it, but man, sometimes you just hate it. Pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, anything baby related can be a trigger. Know that somedays it will absolutely crush you no matter how hard you try not to let it. Before jumping on Facebook or Instagram, acknowledge that you may see these things. If you’re not of a mindset to handle it, skip the feed scroll for a few hours. When you do see these posts of your friends, remember the joy you had in those moments with your baby and be excited for your friends!!

 

The First Year:

1. Baby Showers – These are tough especially if they happen during the time you should be the Mom-to-be at your own baby shower. To be honest, I don’t decide to go or skip the shower until the day of the event. It takes a lot mentally to be able to handle it, and you won’t know how you will be until that day. If I choose not to go, I still get a gift and give it the mom soon after. Word to the wise: your friend doesn’t need to know why you didn’t go to the shower so don’t make it about you by offering up an unsolicited explanation. If specifically asked why you weren’t there, use your judgement in the details you provide. I offer this advice, because some people will not and can not understand/comprehend why you can’t emotionally handle going to a baby shower. So save yourself some added pain, but keeping things vague. A simple, “I had something come up that day.” is often plenty adequate.

2. Nursery Duty – I volunteer to work in our church nursery once a month, but after a miscarriage I ask for a sabbatical. I do this because mentally and emotionally, it will take a lot for me to fulfill my commitment. If this commitment will be very difficult for you, ask for some time away from the ministry. Again, no explanation is required. If you begin to feel guilty about now fulfilling your commitment, get workers to fill your slots.

3. Delivery Month – Yep it’s a WHOLE month! We had an expected due date, but really how many kids are actually born on that day? So instead, we wonder the whole entire month what day should have been a special day, a birthday. My best suggestion for dealing with this is to pick a day ( I usually pick the due date), make that day the special “birthday.”

4. Holidays – Any special holiday can be difficult, but I find Christmas to be the most difficult. That missing stocking that’s not hanging on the mantle is particularly difficult for me. I often look at our mantle with 3 stockings hanging and try to picture what it would look like with the other 8 that are missing.

5. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day – technically this is a holiday, but it deserves a spot all it’s own. So many of us deeply desire to be Moms and Dads, as we should, so when we think we’re finally going to be able to claim those titles and get an extra day a year designated to celebrate us, it’s exciting and new and respected by those around us. And even if you already have kids and own the title of Mom or Dad, these days can bring on a flood of emotions, often totally unexpected because we recognize that there’s one or ten little voices calling out “Mommy” that’s missing!

Beyond the First Year:

1. The anniversary of your miscarriage – I think this one is pretty self explanatory and most people get this.

2. The should have been 1st year – We all know how much a baby grows and changes that first year of life. It’s an amazing thing with them hitting milestones constantly. So yeah, we wonder what our baby would be doing as a newborn, at 3 months, at 6 months, etc. We also wonder what those family photos and trips/adventures would have been like with a baby, our baby.

3. Should have been 1st Birthday – The 1st Birthday is a special one, we plan to make sure it’s perfect! The cake, the gift, the guest list, the decorations. I always wonder what their 1st Birthday party would have been like.

There’s so many others that could be on the list.
So what do we do? How do we handle these things?
GRACE!!!

Grace has to come in many forms and from many sources.
1. From God – “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Memorize this verse!! God’s already given you the grace that becomes strength when we are at our weakest, and believe me, these triggers will put you at your weakest.

2. From you – This is a tough one. I speak from experience here. I tend to be super hard on myself, but it is not productive in these situations. Remember to ask for God’s grace first and often times you find your own grace with ease.

3. From those around us – We absolutely need grace from those around us. This is super tricky, because we can’t control other people (as much as we wish we could). In my experience, if I ask for God’s grace first, and give myself grace, I usually don’t need it from anyone else. This also helps me to keep from being offended and becoming angry and bitter toward someone else.
If you’re the friend we need grace from, mostly I mean give us permission to feel what we feel, even if it’s 10 years down the road. Give us permission to miss the baby shower or back out of our nursery commitment. And please try to do so without making us feel guilty – compassion people, that’s it!

 

Really, why is it so hard to get past a miscarriage? Statistics are 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Most happen very early on in a pregnancy and most doctors will say it’s because of a genetic problem. Makes sense – things weren’t goin right developmentally, the baby couldn’t survive.

So why is it SO hard to deal with?

I’ve known people who didn’t want a baby who conceived and later misccaried. And they grieved so hard for this baby that wasn’t “wanted.” So I don’t by the whole wanted versus unwanted argument.

I’ve known people that don’t believe in life beginning at conception that still grieved the loss of their baby when they miscarried. So it’s not about our beliefs as to when life begins.

I’ve personally lost a baby as early as 5 weeks and one as late as 19 weeks, and the pain was equal for each. So it’s not about when we lose them.

So why? Really? We never held these babies in our arms. Often times we didn’t even know if they were a boy or a girl. Most of the time, they didn’t have a name yet. We only knew them a few short days to months. So why????

“Before I formed thee in the belly, I knew thee.” Jeremiah 1:5
These words were spoken by God to the prophet Jeremiah, and I believe they are in scripture to remind each of us, from all eternity past. But most importantly I believe it is because of love!
“Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” Jeremiah 31:3
God’s love is everlasting and it DRAWS us! “We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19 He loves each and everyone of us, and that love knits all together. It is how God created us to be – to love, especially the helpless. And what’s more helpless than the unborn?

It doesn’t matter if that baby was wanted or not, believed to be a baby or not, in the womb for one day or 280, or whatever reason you can come up with; that baby was loved by God and therefore loved by us!

But it doesn’t stop there. Through my personal experiences, I’ve come up with some other reasons why it’s so hard, especially for us women.
1. Shame and Guilt: We are women and our most basic bodily function/purpose is to bear children. (I do not say this in a degrading way toward women or to imply that the only function/purpose is to bear children! Rather I’m just saying that when we call it what it is, women and women only have been given an amazing, God-ordained creation that is a womb in which children are to be carried and born forth from. It’s quite amazing if you ask me!) The most common thing I’ve heard from other women and experienced myself is shame and guilt that they weren’t able to carry this baby to term. The guilt that maybe we did something that caused this to happen. That it’s our fault. That my friends, is a lot to handle and work through!! It’s also 100% FALSE!!!! I do not believe a miscarriage is the result of anything you did wrong; it is an unfortunate consequence of living in a fallen world as death is the ultimate penalty for sin. Sin of the world has resulted in the eventual physical death of us all; unfortunately the time of death for our babies came while they were yet still in the womb.
2. Feeling Alone: The statistic is 1 in 4 women have had a miscarriage. So why do we feel alone? A lot of people say it’s because people don’t talk about it, and maybe that’s true, but I have another idea. That was my baby and my love for that baby can’t be duplicated; nobody loved my baby like I do, so how can you relate to my pain? Though we’ve been through the same experience of a miscarriage, each one is uniquely different in every aspect. No one but you can fully experience it and therefore a sense of aloneness develops. Here’s the deal ladies: We don’t have to be alone in this!! I’m not talking about joining a support group or pledging to be there for each other, although both are great and needed and helpful; rather I’m referring to the bigger picture of life. “…for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, ‘The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.'” Hebrews 13:5-6 You see once we accept Christ as our savior, this promise, and SO many others become ours to claim and be comforted with on a daily basis, but especially in times like these!!! I beg you, don’t be alone as you walk this journey. Choose the friendship of Jesus!
3. Nothing Remains: I think it’s part of our nature to want to be remembered for something by someone. Our babies never got the chance to be known by anyone but us. Yes they left their mark on us and we will never forget them, but what about everyone else? They never saw our child, for that matter, we never saw our baby except on an ultrasound if we were lucky. There’s no pictures, no special toys or clothes, no lock of hair; there’s nothing tangible, absolutely NOTHING!!! Nothing the “what would’s…” What would he/she have looked like? What would they have been when they grew up? What would that family picture have looked like with them in it? Would they have been an amazing athlete, or musician? Would they have been funny and a class clown or serious with major drive and ambition? It’s hard because one day there is life growing inside you and hope growing in your heart and plans forming in your mind, and then there is NOTHING!! It’s ALL gone!! THAT is suffocating, gut-wrenching, panic attack causing like none other.
I don’t have a great solution to this other than to suggest that you find SOMETHING to remember your baby by: make a scrapbook of the ultrasound pictures, buy a special necklace, plant a rose bush, create something tangible for YOU to remember this baby by. The physical act of creating something, is so healing for me.
I think there are other reasons that contribute to the difficulty of dealing with a miscarriage, but these three seem to be the biggest for me. I’d love to hear your thoughts and how you’ve worked through it.