Living a Joyful Journey

Life is like …. a Roller Coaster Ride!

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I love roller coaster rides!!! The safe ones, anyways. Not the traveling ones at the fair. The huge permanent ones at amusement parks. I’m not really sure why I like them, but I do.

I’m not a fan of heights or water or feeling like I’m going fall off a cliff or going so fast I can’t pull my head away from the headrest or worst of all, not being in control. A roller coaster is all of those things wrapped up into an exhilarating few minutes.

The excitement and anxiousness that builds as you wait in line to get on the ride. The inability to sit still once you’re in your seat and buckled in before the ride starts. The urge to giggle as the ride starts inching forward because you’re so nervous for what’s coming up ahead. Then there’s that first giant climb – it’s slow, sometimes painfully slow, the ground gets further beneath you. Now you get a little scared and you start to press back into your seat and maybe grip the bars next to or in front of you. Now you’re at the top and you know you’re going to take off, plummeting to ground. I’m pretty sure I have a look of sheer terror on my face at this moment, but it’s only for an instant. And then, the roller coaster takes off and you can’t help but yell out in fear, excitement, freedom, and joy! Next you hit the bottom and all the turns and twists start coming faster than you like, but you hang on for dear life and know it’ll all be over soon. As the ride comes to an end, your heart is pumping, you can finally breathe, but you realize it’s over and you’re a little sad because as terrifying as those moments were, the other moments were pure joy.

Being a foster parent is a lot like riding that roller coaster. The main difference would be that instead of the riding lasting only a few minutes, it lasts days, months, or years depending on the case. One thing is certain: there are mountains that build anticipation as you climb and create terror and joy as come down; there are twists and turns where you’re literally hanging on for dear life; you are 90% out of control of what’s going on; and no matter how it ends, there will be tears of sorrow and laughs of joy.

To be honest, it’s exhausting: mentally, physically, emotionally (especially), and spiritually. It’s work to stay on this roller coaster. Somedays it feels like the seatbelt failed, the roller coaster is stuck inverted at the top of a loop, and your hands are starting to slip.

So how do we hang on? How do we push through to get to the next moment of joy?

For me, it’s two things: 1. believing and having faith and 2. others that come alongside us and share in our burdens.

When I’m in one of those moments where I’m completely exhausted, questioning why we are doing this, and wanting to just let go and jump down off the stranded roller coaster car; I’m thankful in these moments that God has drawn me closer to Him, given me a desire to get to know Him, that I love Him. His word is written in my heart, and I believe His promises to me. My belief in who God is and that He loves me more than I could ever love Him breeds faith. Faith that God is there with me, my safety net if my hands did slip, that His plan for this child is being played out and He wants me to be a part of it. It’s not easy, and there are many moments and days where it feels like He’s not there and the safety net is gone. But then the sun changes in the sky and I see a glimmer of it’s rays hitting the net. He’s there. Always there!

We have an amazing support system and I’m so very thankful for each and everyone of them!! Each person in our “tribe” plays a different role in supporting us from buying clothes for the kids, bringing us a meal, handing down clothes for the kids, watching the kids for a few hours, being an ear for me to vent to, but most importantly, those who faithfully pray for us!!! It seriously brings me to tears thinking of all the people that I know that pray for us constantly!! Hear me when I say this: There is NO way we could stay on this roller coaster without these prayers!!!!

I’ll leave you with this today:

“Blessings multiplied and burdens divided.”

Sara Kerns

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Galatians 6:2

Thank You Mom!!

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This post is a little different as it’s a very special  shout out to my one and only precious Momma for the most amazing and most thoughtful gift!!

I’ve had several people throughout the years who have voiced their desire to get me something special as a remembrance of a baby we’ve lost. But no one knows what to get. The usual gifts prove challenging in my situation so everyone is at a loss. Well this year my mom absolutely NAILED it!!!

Giving and receiving gifts is #5 (out of 5) of my personal Love Languages (Get the book “The Five Love Languages” and read it – LIFE CHANGING!!). I’m not good at giving gifts and while everyone loves receiving a gift, gifts don’t always communicate to me what they are supposed to.  We all know that when a gift is given, the giver is trying to express some form of love through the gift given. Unfortunately, this is often lost on me, not because I’m a jerk and don’t care, it just doesn’t speak to me. My personal Love Language is Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. So if you want to express your love to me, send me hand written card with words from heart or come to my house and wash my dishes!!

This past Mother’s Day, I was given a gift that totally spoke my language!! Before we get to that, let me give you a little background history so you’ll fully grasp the significance of this gift. Or you can check out the semi-unabridged version here: My Joyful Journey

Abridged version: Over the past nine years, our little family has been blessed with an amazing little boy, but we’ve also lost eight babies through miscarriage. Each one has been devastating to us and our extended family. We all wish we had the answer and everyone wishes they could do something, anything to fix it and/or ease the pain. Unfortunately, there is no explanation and there’s nothing to be done.

My mom never had a miscarriage or suffered with infertility. She’s never lived it first hand, but she’s been by my side every step of my journey through infertility and loss. She can’t empathize and doesn’t even try to, but she does sympathize. Plus, these are her grand babies that have been lost. I know many times she’s felt helpless watching me go through it all, and I know that if she could do anything, she would. Well, she did and I absolutely love it!!

On this Mother’s Day 2017, just over 3 weeks after miscarriage #8, my momma gave me a gift to remember all my kids with. It’s simple and by many people’s account it’s plain, definitely nothing fancy. So it’s the perfect gift for me as I’m pretty simple, plain, and far from fancy. Ok, so here’s the gift: a small silver tag dangling from a silver chain with 9 tiny footprints engraved on it – the perfect, most beautiful reminder of . each time my womb held life within it.

I know this  wasn’t an easy thing to come up with. Easy would be something with their names, but only four have names; birthstones, but do you go with the stone of their due date or the day they were “born”; pinks and blues for boys and girls, but five are unknown to us. You see, all the traditional “Mother” jewelry ideas get complicated in my situation. Footprints, teeny tiny footprints, those say baby in the most precious, sweetest way. Footprints are an impression left when someone passes by. They are a mark that are left and remain long after the person is gone. Each of my nine kids has left a footprint on my heart that will never fade. I may not be able to give them a name while I’m on this earth, I will probably never know all of their genders, but I will always remember the joy they brought me knowing life was growing within me, hearing and seeing their hearts beating on the ultrasound, and watching them flip and kick and suck their thumbs on the ultrasounds. They are the footprints that have shaped who I am. Each one has taught me more than I ever could have imagined about this life.

Thank you Mom for this amazing gift!!! thank you for not forgetting my children that are absent from this world. Thank you for understanding that I will never forget them.